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MY GLORY ACCORDION DAYS
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FUNNY

MY GLORY ACCORDION DAYS


OK here's something you did not know about me... and this is an important part of my background which I'm sure you're all dying to know...

 I used to play the accordion!  Yep - eat yer hearts out.  Red "mother-of-pearl" it was and I hated the sumbitch from the minute I started playing it.  But my parents made me keep taking lessons b/c it was expensive.  And to add insult to injury - I had to carry that dang thing in its ugly, gigundo CASE and walk - that's W-A-L-K   to my lesson which was 8 blocks away.

I was especially beautiful at that time.  I was in the 6th grade - -  5'8" and weighed about 52 lbs. My legs looked just like two strings hanging from my skirt and I was blind as a bat - wore snake-eye glasses that were the same color as my accordion (red mother-of-pearl). NEAT-O!  But nobody had the "opportunity" to see my beautiful glasses on account of my Brillo-Pad hair which was so curly and bushy it covered 'em up. .  .

About every block I would sit down and rest on that huge accordion (the case was the color of old wingtip shoes... pale brown. Uglier 'n mud fence and I'm not kidding).  I had to sit down on it so I could catch my breath.  While I was sitting there sweating I would look around at whatever people were around. 

Believe it or not people would actually LAUGH at me.  It's 'cause it was Caldwell Idaho and people there didn't have much appreciation for the finer things in life . . .  they didn't recognize an accordion star in the making even though I was sitting smack on their sidewalk in front of their house.  My legs were so skinny and long that people probably thought I was a giant preying mantis. . .

Anyway - sometimes I just think back. . .  If I'd stuck with it I could have been famous.  I could have played in the annual Idaho Snake River Stampede during opening ceremonies where they come out with horses and carry all the flags.  I could have ridden in a flat bed truck while they drove me slowly around the arena in my glittery-sequined formal.  I think I would have played...  "Lady of Spain". 

And just think!!  When everybody roared and cheered I would bow and wink. . . well, maybe just smile and wink.  It's hard to bow when you're wearing an accordion.  Your boobs get caught. . .

The point to all this?  Um.... there isn't one.   Just saying....
                                                                                    
                      YESSIREE, BOB!!   MATCHED MY GLASSES
                                Both red mother-of-pearl.




 

Not My Day! Haircut Disaster!

                              NOT MY DAY!  HAIRCUT DISASTER!
OH Boy.  Why ME. . .
So it was FINALLY time for my hair appt.  I really needed to get my hair done (old-fashioned term, huh?  "Got my hair done") b/c the roots were long, gray, and - well.... disgusting.  So I made the appt for roots and a few foils, plus trim.  I love my stylist b/c she's great with color & cuts.  But styling - - uh... not so much. 
 
Hairdressers are always bugging me to let them "do" my hair curly since it's naturally
curly.  I hate curly hair but yesterday I conceded and let her have her way with it. 
HAVE HER WAY INDEED!  I mean, OMG AND GREAT BALLS OF FIRE it turned out
butt  U G L Y!! Ghastly ringlets all over, and of course finished off with 2 gallons of cement-like GOO so I couldn't comb it out or anything.  I mean, you should have
seen this!  I looked like a mentally-challenged poodle. 
She made my bangs straight and the top FLAT, and then over-the-moon CURLY
everywhere else.  If you can imagine that... we're talking straight-as-a-board bangs
that hung down to the middle of my eyebrows, Morticia-style, from Addams Family.
Then about a thousand little cutesy ringlets ala' Shirley Temple, all over everywhere EXCEPT THE TOP which was so flat you could have ironed a shirt up there.  Looked like that dork Dragnet guy - - Jack Webb? Jack Friday?? 
 
To add insult to injury, when she was finished (I'm always too "NICE" to complain or make them do it over.  I wish I wasn't such a doormat!  Musn't hurt anybody's feelings, dontchaknow, so I go off looking like Betty Boop for the rest of the day.  And I even
gave her a TIP FOR CHRISSAKE!  What is the matter with me!?)
 
Anyway.....  when I walked from her work station up to the front to pay, several women were standing around the front desk yacking up a storm.  When I walked up all of a
sudden everybody got STONE SILENT.  I mean - awkward, cut-it-with-a-knife SILENCE where you know for a fact everybody's thinking "You've got to be kidding me. Oh my.
THAT poor woman. What was SHE thinking?" 
I tried to smile but I was real nervous so my mouth was dry and when I smiled, my lips
got hung up on my solid-metal BRACES - (easily mistaken for coathangers). I HATE
THESE DANG BRACES!  CAN'T WAIT 'TIL THEY'RE OFF!  Anyway, smiling and
showing my braces just made matters worse, of course, and if I didn't look and feel
like UGLY BETTY I don't know what. 
 
Remember the old days when we'd come home from the hairdresser (which we could
only afford once every 2 years) and CRY for 2 days straight??  This totally reminded
me of that time in my life.  I didn't cry but I sure swore a lot. 
 
Well - today it's better since I took a fire hose to it and then shampooed for
45 minutes, put GIANT rollers in and sat under the scalding hot hairdryer for
hours.  NO MORE CURLS!!!

OK I have to sign off now because John just called with an emergency: 
"HURRY!  Go into Netflix right NOW and put "The Sopranos First Season"
at the top of our queue! We got the 2nd season yesterday but we've never
seen first season!"  
 
So I must rush on and get that done. THIS IS IMPORTANT!
Love you all!  - P
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My Cake Disaster. Oh boy....

Oh mannn.... now this is EMBARASSING!  Saturday night we had our good friend Todd over.  He brought his new girlfriend Melody for us to meet, so I'm wanting to make a
good impression, dontchaknow. For dinner I had my favorite - Corned Beef & cabbage
which I'm comfortable with because it ALWAYS turns out great, it looks gorgeous, and people ALWAYS rave about it.  I was right - it turned out fabulous and Todd & Melody RAVED about it (as did John.  He's crazy mad for the stuff and always says so! What a
sweetheart he is).
 
Anyway, the last time we had Todd over (he was alone, thank God) I made brownies
FROM A MIX which you'd think would be pretty hard to mess up.  But... some way I
added too much liquid, (no clue how) and the batter was way runny - like thick chocolate milk.  But being a NEVER SAY DIE kind of person, I figured out how to fix it!  Add
flour!  Which I did.  The brownies turned out like tiny cardboard boxes (except they
didn't taste that good)... 
 
Todd said he liked them but that's just because he's so nice and didn't want to hurt
my feelings.  But John and I couldn't eat more than 1/2 bite (and I think John spit
his into his napkin).  It wasn't pretty. 
 
SO THIS TIME by golly I'm going to make a BLOW-YOU-AWAY dessert so I can
show Todd I really DO know how to cook and can also impress Melody with my vast
culinary skills.  

So I make this cake that I haven't actually made before - I've only TASTED it,
and it is out of this world delicious (No-Flour Chocolate Cake. There's a great
video on it; I'll give you the link at the end of this post, along with the recipe.)
Evidently the video didn't do ME much good, but those details are still to come.
 
OK.  I followed the directions to the letter, except for just a couple of things. 
The recipe called for SEMI-SWEET chocolate squares and I only had UN-
SWEETENED chocolate squares but what the hay, that's a no-brainer - -  I'll
just add an additional cup of sugar.  Which I did.  This changed the texture of
the batter a bit but.... no big deal.
 
Also, the recipe says very clearly DO NOT OVERBAKE but I didn't hear the
timer go off,  dontchasee - so it cooked an additional 15 minutes.  No biggie though-
our oven is a little out of whack temperature-wise anyway, and what's 15 minutes.  The cake looked mahhhvelous. 
 
So I took it out of the springform pan and placed it neatly on this swell antique
plate I got in Atlanta.  Then I carefully dusted it with powdered sugar, as per the recipe/video.  Mmmm!  Looked like something out of Bon Appetit Magazine.  HA! 
Our guests were going to be ever-so-impressed at how gifted I am in the cooking department....
 
So - - dinner's over (a big hit!) -  we've sipped our wine in the living room for an
hour or so, and I decide it's time to bring out the dessert.  Todd says "I hope it's
better than last time!" hahaha! We  we all laughed.
Oops.  Laughed too soon.  This "super moist" cake was worse than ghastly. Not only
did it LOOK horrible once it was cut into, but OMG it tasted like something from last year's shoe festival.   I mean this cake is SO incredibly dry that when you cut into
it w/ your fork it splintered and flew everywhere -  like what would happen if you cut
into a cracker.  It hurt my teeth to chew on it - and it crunched REAL LOUD!  Furthermore, it tasted funny.  Well.... OK, it tasted HORRIBLE.  Very bitter - no
flavor - and it left an aftertaste of ... I'm not sure.  Cod Liver Oil?? Horehound Candy??
 
So then the room got real quiet.  Finally, Todd says:  "Hmmm.  Interesting flavor". 
Melody says: "Yes. Um... very different."  John says: "THIS TASTES LIKE SH_ _ !
What on earth did you DO to this thing anyway?"  
I say "Uh... gosh, it DOESN'T
taste very good, does it?  Here, let's have some more wine!" 
 
I hustled around and gathered up everybody's cake plates, then scooped it all
into the garbage disposal and turned it on.  When I did that it sounded like I
was grinding up marbles. WAY LOUD!
  
 
At least the SILENCE was gone though.  Because  now -  everybody was laughing hysterically.  Of course John and Todd HAD to bring up the gorey details of the
LAST time I'd served dessert and how it, too had been a train wreck, and then
Todd (not exactly mincing his words...) says:  "You know Patti you're one FABULOUS
cook when it comes to dinners.  But your desserts SUCK!"  And I can't deny it! 
A
 full 100% of the desserts I've made for Todd had been INEDIBLE.
 
If that's not bad enough, John has to tell the story about the time when we were
living in Seattle and I made these ghastly muffins that tasted like Crisco with baking powder. The worst!  So bad we took ONE BITE and promptly gave them to the
squirrels.  But GET THIS:  The squirrels would take one bite and then run off,
BRUSHING OFF THEIR FACES with their tiny front feet!  Oh mannn..... insult
of all insults.  Even the squirrels wouldn't eat 'em.
 
So the end of all this is that I ate a big helping of CROW and Todd & Melody
were totally gracious and even kindly agreed to give me ONE MORE CHANCE
at dinner with dessert.  Next time I'm serving ICE CREAM.  PURCHASED!!
Or better yet - maybe we'll go out to dinner! :>
 
         Here are links to the video and/or recipe, if you're still interested. 
                             FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS!!!  :>
              Flourless Chocolate Cake Video              Recipe
 
 
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